This scene is from my current WIP. It's the first draft. It hasn't been edited, or beta read, and one day it will be MUCH better. For now though, it will have to do because it's the only almost-kissing scene I have and I have no time to improve it. So fair warning, I'm posting this in all of its imperfect glory.
(Oh, and no, the scene doesn't take place underwater like the picture. It was just a great pic that I really wanted to use.)
Maybe I could use what I learned to work in my favor. “You are a Guardian. You have to grant me a wish.”
The side of his mouth lifted in one of his cocky I-know-more-than-you grins. “We grant wishes to humans. You are no longer human.”
Figures. The rules always seemed to work against me. “Don’t you want to know what I would wish for?”
“I’m fairly certain I know.”
“Oh yeah? What would I wish for?”
“To not be a mermaid.”
“No.” My heart felt like it swelled to fill my entire chest. I could do this. I could say it. What’s the worst that could happen? I struggled to say the words louder than a whisper. “I’d wish for you to kiss me.”
His eyes met mine and I fought to breathe steadily. Neither one of us moved. Deep wrinkles appeared at the corner of his eyes. The ones that meant he was thinking hard. Then he looked away and stared at the floor.
I’m such an idiot. What was I thinking saying that to him? Treygan—who had never dated anyone and didn't believe in romance. I huffed out loud and forced a smile. “I was only—” Crap. I couldn’t say the word kidding out loud. “I didn’t really mean—” Nope, that would be a lie too. “This is so embarrassing,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands.
I never heard his footsteps—probably because my heart was beating too loudly. His hand touching mine startled me into looking up. There he was, only a couple inches between us, staring at me with those hypnotic cobalt blue eyes. He placed my hand against his chest then raised his fingers to my cheek and ran his thumb along my lips. Glorious pins and needles pricked and teased the deepest parts of me.
“You are such a mystery to me,” he whispered.
I exhaled shakily. “I don’t mean to be. I’ve never felt like this. Is this a mer thing or…is it because you’re you?”
His eyes darted around as he studied my face. Then he was back, staring at me so intensely I felt like I’d die if he didn’t kiss me. “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to wander down a dead-end road.”
He started to pull his hand away but I held it against my face, pressing my lips against his palm. “I don’t care how it ends. I only care about right now. Please, Treygan, kiss me.”
He rested his forehead on mine and we pressed against each other. Me fighting to lift my lips to meet his, and him pushing his mouth further away even as I felt his warm breath against my chin.
“Yara, I care about how it ends. I refuse to break your heart.”
“My heart can handle it.” It felt like a lie. The thought of not spending forever with Treygan was too painful to imagine, but I said it out loud so it must be true. My heart could handle it. My soul, on the other hand, might not.
He pulled away and turned his back to me, running his hands through his blue hair.
My legs shook, fighting to keep me from collapsing to the floor. He refused me. I begged him to kiss me—twice—and he said no. How much more pitiful could I look?
“You may think you want this, Yara, but you don’t. I’m protecting you.”
He turned and looked at me. “What?”
I clenched my teeth together to fight back my tears. “I said get out.”
His confused expression turned to concern or hurt, I couldn’t be sure of which, but it didn’t matter. He stepped towards me and I took two steps back. “Yara, I didn’t mean—”
“Get out! The longer you stand there the more pathetic I feel. Just leave me alone and pretend this never happened.” I was running towards my room before the last words were out of my mouth. After I slammed the door I leaned against it and slid to the floor, letting the built up tears fall where they may.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
No Kiss Blogfest
Posted by kah
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I wish my drafts were this good. :) I like it!!ReplyDelete
My heart aches for Yara. Being rebuffed is so bad. But it makes me wonder, too, if Treygan really is protecting her from something she doesn't yet understand. Great first draft and good for you for participating in the middle of moving!ReplyDelete
Awwww poor Yara, that's a sad no kiss! Great job though and thanks so much for participating. Hope everything settles down with the move and now that the holidays are over!ReplyDelete
Wow, I just want to cry for her. She's so brave, putting herself out there like that. To be so rejected. Awesome scene. Methinks it won't need as much clean-up as you fear. Thanks for sharing!ReplyDelete
this is a great kissing scene! I can't wait to read more once its published : )ReplyDelete
This is an awesome first draft! I feel so sorry for poor Yara. I really hope this is published so I can read the rest:)ReplyDelete
Wow. This was a first draft?!? I loved it. I like how she put herself out there and how he thought hard about it. I loved when he says, "You are such a mystery to me." Sigh. Great job.ReplyDelete
This is fantastic, it moves at the perfect pace. I couldn't draw my eyes away once I started reading. Absolutely wonderful. xReplyDelete
I love this! Thanks for sharing! Poor Yara!ReplyDelete
Sheesh! Now, please put us all out of our misery and post the kiss when it finally happens!!!ReplyDelete
Your blog is so awesome! I don't know why I haven't been following. And a fellow Moby lover. I think we are blog-soulmates. ;-D
I think you do a great job of illustrating that moment of indecision in him, when they might kiss, but don't. It's very well done. And I can absolutely see why his "I'm protecting you" would rub her exactly the wrong way. Argh, Men! haha. Thanks for sharing, and for stopping by my blog!ReplyDelete
Oh poor Yara, rejected :( Such a well-written scene, I love it. It seems like she's going to have lots of vulnerability after putting herself out there like that. And I'm intrigued by the fact that she doesn't want to be a mermaid apparently... I would love it!ReplyDelete
This is your first draft? I wish my first drafts came out as good as this!! Karen, I love your writing! Your characters seemed so real! Lovely job!ReplyDelete
p.s- Blue hair? How cool is that?
Ouch! Rejection sucks, I totally feel for Yara. I really like how she reacted to it, though. It seemed so real. Great excerpt, I'm dying to know more.ReplyDelete
This is a great draft. I love the part where she tries to lie. Poor dear.ReplyDelete
It's a good draft, for sure!
I don't think her poor heart can handle it! Nothing worse than getting your heart broken by someone who's just trying not to hurt you....ReplyDelete
Nice job for a rough draft.
Poor Yara, she laid her heart out on the line and got rejected. Very well written. I felt the disappointment in Yara.ReplyDelete
Dude, that rocked! Seriously. I'm really intrigued about your mer-people story.ReplyDelete
Also, that picture is hawt!
Yah, for unedited, this is pretty damn good, good lady. Nicely done, with finely wrought tension. Plus, mermaids. Gotta love mermaids. (If you're a guy, anyway.)ReplyDelete
Love it!!! I want to keep reading and find out what's going on!!!ReplyDelete
Identifying with Yara came so easily. Thanks for sharing!ReplyDelete
Makes me not like that dude much. I'm glad she kicked him to the curb--put out or shut up! :)ReplyDelete
“I was only—” Crap.ReplyDelete
Haha! Oh that sounds like me so much...
I like that she kicked him out at the end. Nice touch. ;D
And I looooooove that mer picture!
Nicely done! I totally feel for poor Yara. I want more! :)ReplyDelete
By the way, I added a follow button to my blog *lol* I'd never updated it! (fail).ReplyDelete
Wow, my heart just broke. I love it! Why do I have to read all these scenes knowing I can't read the book they come from right now?? The torture! :) BTW, great pic.ReplyDelete
This cannot be a first draft! Seriously, girl, you rocked it! GREAT tension and so much vulnerability! Excellent!ReplyDelete
Love it! I love the whole Mermaid aspect. :)ReplyDelete
Aw, what a heart breaking no kiss! This was great.ReplyDelete
Extraordinary first draft, Karen! Heartbreaking. I felt his internal conflict about the kiss, but then got furious right along with Yara when he had the nerve to tell her she didn't know her own feelings. I wanted to slap him.ReplyDelete
Very nice. Rough draft you say? Great job!ReplyDelete
Poor thing...hope she gets him in the end!ReplyDelete
Very nice writing! The tension and heartbreak--and embarrassment--were nicely done. I don't think I've come across anyone else writing about merpeople. LOVE the concept.ReplyDelete
Amazing, I hope she gets him in the end, I loved the bit about her heart handling it but her soul not, powerful line. Great job!ReplyDelete
He placed my hand against his chest then raised his fingers to my cheek and ran his thumb along my lips. Glorious pins and needles pricked and teased the deepest parts of me.ReplyDelete
“You are such a mystery to me,” he whispered.
I still am pretty obsessed with your mermaid idea (not in an "I'm gonna steal it" type of way or anything though! I just LOVE it!) And what a fantastic scene. I could really feel the frustration/humiliation/longing that Yara felt... And such a clear hint of what HE felt as well!ReplyDelete
I think it's awesome you write fantasy that doesn't have to do with vampires, werewolves, or faeries. That's pretty ballin'. ;) And your poor MC; what a rejection! Good scene!ReplyDelete
Whoa. Loved the scene! Very sweet.ReplyDelete
Oh, this was so heartbreaking! Wonderful scene!ReplyDelete
I'm with Bethany Wiggins...you better post the kiss when it finally happens!ReplyDelete
Aw, so sad! Great job! It didn't read like a first draft to me at all!ReplyDelete
Poor Yara, but good for her for kicking Treygan out! I hate that line "I'm doing this for your own good." Sure, sometimes it's true, but sometimes if the man just got over himself and told her what was up, he would realize he was being dumb.ReplyDelete
Also, you live in St. Pete, I live in Clearwater. So I wanted to say hello :)
"I'm young, my heart can handle it!"ReplyDelete
You did a marvelous job of capturing the character. I feel so connected to her. I absolutely must read this. Mer people and humans? I'm sold. :)
Love the line "you are such a mystery to me". Great job! I'm a sucker for forbidden love.ReplyDelete
Ohh, I love mermaids. This is fantastic. Can't wait to read more!ReplyDelete
I hope you finish this soon I was captivatedReplyDelete
Awesome. I'd love to read the finished product if that's only your first draft! =)ReplyDelete
Ouch! Poor Yara! I'm so intrigued Karen. You need to get this done so we can read it!ReplyDelete
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!! Had to read it again!ReplyDelete
First off...that's a great picture. Secondly, I like your blue-haired protagonist. Verily nice. And finally, I'm so glad you aren't writing about varmpires and werewolves!ReplyDelete
Thanks. And thanks for visiting my blog.
Nice scene. I've tagged you on my blog. Check it out. :)ReplyDelete
Wow! You sure pulled in the comments on this one! :-)ReplyDelete
Like it. Love it. Want some more of it! :)
Loved it! Great tension and hook for MORE!!ReplyDelete
Powerful scene! Very cruel of you.... :O)ReplyDelete
I love this image!ReplyDelete
wow! can't wait to read more more more!ReplyDelete
Great excerpt, Karen, and I love your blog. I think we have a lot in common. ;)ReplyDelete
How did I miss this post months ago???????ReplyDelete
I LOVE THIS SCENE!
Love this! I have no idea what the scenario is, meaning how a girl with legs can be talking with a merman (is that the word?) but I'm fascinated and would love to read more!ReplyDelete
wow! this is beautiful! because of this i started following you. lol.ReplyDelete