Without further ado, my letter to Mr. Lyga...
My Dearest Barry,
I haven’t read any of your books.
Sorry about that, but I thought we should start our relationship with brutal honesty. I mean, you write about superheroes and comic bookish stuff. I figured you could handle brutal honesty.
I have done some level 2 stalking of you via your website. Don’t worry; level 2 is not an insult. It just means I’m emotionally stable and not the type of person to stalk anyone at a level higher than 3. (Level 10 is scary restraining order type stuff and the only person I could picture myself being that obsessed with is James Howlett (aka Logan), but since he’s a fictitious character I’m sticking to my guns on the emotionally stable proclamation.)
As you may have guessed I was intrigued by your novel WOLVERINE: WORST DAY EVER. However, Sara,
Andbutso, I started reading up on some of your other books. I am now determined to win one. I’d prefer to win all of them but I worry that if I read all of your books I’d become a diehard fan and start foaming at the mouth for more. Reviewers say your stuff is witty and snappy, serious and absorbing, authentic, fast-moving, and—well, you probably already know what they’ve said. If your stories are truly that great then I could easily cross into a level 6 or 7 zone. Add to the equation the fact that you’re pretty darn attractive and we’re bordering on level 8. Level 8 stalking might put a damper on our newfound relationship.
However, I’m dedicated to making this relationship work. When I’m dedicated to something I’m unstoppable. Like, superhero (or sultry villain) unstoppable.
For example, I’ve already contacted your old college roommate Alex and he agreed to create a mechanized bulletproof exoskeleton flight suit that will allow me to fly to your big city so I can demand any and all of your books whenever I want.
I don’t want it to come to that. I like you, Barry. Sara and
Just give me a book as a prize and you and I can remain at a cordial and comfortable level 2.
Seriously, just award me a book. It’s the right (and safe) thing to do.
Oh, and Happy Barry Rocks Day!
With all my love,
Disclaimer: No authors, their respected girlfriends, or their college roommates were actually threatened or harmed during the making of this letter. I just have way too much free time.